Seizure People
Before I get started, let me say that in this post, I am in no way making fun of those who suffer from epilepsy or other ailments that cause seizures. Now that that’s out of the way, let me get started.
Lately I’ve been noticing a disturbing trend in advertising. It seems as though stores, real estate developers, and restaurants all think it’s a wonderful idea to have a spasmodic teenager standing on a street corner holding a sign while appearing to have a seizure.
I’m sure that some advertising executive came up with this idea thinking that if a person is freaking out on the street corner, people will pay attention to the sign that they’re holding. Please explain to me how this is any different than the crazy, homeless guy on the street corner holding the sign that says… Well, I’ve never really paid attention to the sign. When I see a crazy person on the corner, I’m not looking at the sign that they’re holding; I’m wondering how long they can keep carrying on before they gyrate into the street where they will meet an untimely end as they collide with some sixteen-year-old girl on a moped.
Now you ask “How would a scooter pulling up to a stoplight kill one of these seizure people?” I respond by asking if you’ve actually seen these people. They must weigh only about 82 pounds wearing dripping wet jeans. It wouldn’t take much to make them a smear on a moped tire. But I digress…
I was curious what kind of qualifications are required to become one of the seizure people so I did some research and found the following:
(Name removed), your (name removed) Authorized Dealer, is seeking full-time and part-time Sign Holders / Mascot / Dancer people to start immediately. Qualified applicants will have strong customer service and organizational skills, be self-motivated and able to multi-task. Must be neat and clean and conduct self in a respectable, responsible courteous manner. Portray a cooperative and positive attitude toward customers, employees, and the company. We offer flexible hours, competitive pay and a great work environment. Prior customer service experience not required.
How much customer service is required when standing on a corner faking a seizure while listening to headphones? Are they just hoping for people that won’t flip off cars as they drive by? I can understand where organized comes into play. If your iPod is disorganized, you’re going to have a bad day. Multi-tasking is also important. While you’re seizing and holding a sign, avoiding cars will extend your life. However, based on the seizure people that I usually see, “clean” is apparently a relative term.
The part where it says “conduct self in a respectable, responsible courteous manner” is just funny. I understand that these people are just trying to make money so I don’t fault the seizure people. My issue is with the people that came up with this form of marketing. Do they not understand that there’s very little that is respectable about standing on a corner purposely flailing your arms and legs about as if they are independent from the rest of your body? The last time I checked, “laughing stock” was not a respectable profession.
I also like where it says “We offer flexible hours, competitive pay and a great work environment.” Translation: “You will stand on the street corner all day long on Saturday and Sunday in the blistering heat, rain, or snow for the money that people throw at you while they speed by laughing. Please know that panhandlers will probably make more than you and suffer less embarrassment.”
May 12, 2008 10:29 am | 
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The saddest one of these I’ve seen was a middle aged man in a statue of liberty costume.
On 3500 South in West Valley, there is a guy that wears a Captain America costume. It’s so sad to see Captain America peddling cellphones.